Carpe Diem
by Dee678
Summary: Andy is not going to let the chance to be with Sam slip away. She knows she's being stupid but she just can't help herself. Events from S2Ep11
1. Chapter 1

**Authors note: This is my first fanfic - I have only just recently discovered the amazing Rookie Blue (no, I have not been living in a cave, just New Zealand). The second series just finished screening here this week and I am distraught - I adore Andy and Sam so much. I felt compelled to write about the events of S2Ep11 and I know this is way behind everyone else but this is still fresh in my mind and I just had to get it down.**

**While I have seen most of the second series I have only seen snippets of the first (thanks YouTube) so there's a good chance I've made errors relating back to the first series. Please forgive me!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Rookie Blue**

Andy watched as the ambulance pulled away from the Alpine Inn and for a brief moment she seriously thought about running after it and banging on the door to get the driver to stop. It would make good sense to get in the back with Traci and catch a ride to the Barn. It would make extremely good sense to get the hell away from the Alpine Inn.

But she couldn't. The urge to turn around and go back inside the bar, to see Sam again, was so much stronger than anything else, including the warning look Traci had given her and the nagging voice in her head telling her that going anywhere near him again would be very stupid.

Seeing him in the bar tonight had been such a shock it had taken all her composure not to throw herself into his arms. Oh God, when he'd smiled at her, when he'd flashed those dimples and those perfect teeth, it felt like her heart would burst out of her ribcage, it was pounding so hard.

The last three weeks without him had been pure agony. The timing could not have been worse. It had taken the unexpected and shocking death of that songwriter woman she'd pulled from the burning car for Andy to realise just how short and precious life was. She should not save the good candy for later. She wanted it now. She wanted Sam now. Who knew what could happen tomorrow?

Finally, as she stood in the woman's apartment, looking at all the belongings she'd never come home to, Andy accepted that her feelings for Sam could not be denied any longer. Two long years she'd pretty much kept them on ice; no more.

And finally, finally, she'd done something about it, leaving him that garbled voice mail. Then she'd headed over to his place, her insides churning with a combination of nerves and excitement at the thought of trying to make things work with him.

But he wasn't there, and when she learned from Best the next day that he'd gone undercover much sooner than expected she wanted to cry with frustration. She'd blown it and it would probably be weeks, months even before she saw him again, before they had a chance to talk about what was going on between them. In the meantime she ached for him like she would a missing limb. Work felt flat and empty and it just wasn't the same sitting in the squad car with anyone else. When she thought about all the hours they'd spent next to each other – talking, laughing, learning to trust one another, becoming close – she wanted to kick herself for not truly appreciating it. For not cherishing those times, and for not truly cherishing him. Her days were now hollow without him.

So for Sam to be in the bar tonight… it had to be fate, right? It had to mean something. When she found herself sitting across from him at the table while Traci and Jamie Brennan played pool it took every ounce of willpower she possessed not to lean over and press her lips against his.

She felt like she could drown in those deep brown eyes of his as they made small talk, staying in character. She'd found herself thinking if only he really was a guy called JD and she was Candace who worked in insurance, they could give in to this obvious chemistry between them and just hook up. Just spend the next couple of hours together. People who met in bars did that all the time. Why couldn't JD and Candace?

And even after she'd said goodbye, and she'd gone with Traci to try to score some drugs, that thought continued to nag her. They were playing roles – why couldn't they just take that role playing to another level? Just for tonight. It was entirely feasible that Candace could be so into JD that she might go back and make him an offer he couldn't refuse. Why not?

The more she thought about it the more she wanted to do it, and as she and Traci stood waiting for the paramedics she realised she had to try. The last time she'd felt this incredible sense of urgency and desire was the night of the blackout, after she'd killed the kidnapper. Then it had compelled her to march over to Sam's house and push him against a wall so that she could kiss him and satisfy the hunger for him that was eating her up.

Of course that had ended in disaster, and the words, _it was what it was_ had haunted her ever since. Whatever it had been back then, now it was something all-consuming, something she could no longer ignore. She was in love with Sam and she had been for a very long time.

If she was being honest with herself, she had to admit the attraction to Sam Swarek had been pretty much instant. Even before she knew he was an undercover cop, when she thought he was a murder suspect, she had looked at him and thought, "wow". As she had rolled around on the ground with him after bringing him down in a tackle, the way he had looked at her with those mesmerising heavy-lidded eyes, as he told her he was on the job (how the hell was she supposed to have known what that meant?) tugged at something deep inside her chest.

She ignored it; hey, the guy was a possible killer. He may have been damn good looking and incredibly sexy to boot but chances were he'd just shot someone. She pushed those thoughts aside and got on with the business of cuffing him.

When she found out who he was she could barely bring herself to look at him. She'd really screwed up big time. Her first day at work and she'd arrested an undercover cop. _Good going McNally_. And then later that day, in the Penny, when she'd tried to apologise by offering to buy him a drink and he'd brushed her off… well, it was clear they were never going to get along.

But then they'd been partnered up and despite the fact that he clearly was not happy at first about having to train her there had still been this undeniable attraction. It had taken her by surprise when she'd gone after him in the parking lot to ask about what was going to happen to his informant, Emily. One minute they'd been standing there talking; the next their faces were so close they almost kissed. She had no idea how that happened; it was like there was some kind of magnetic pull between them.

Somehow, she'd been able to stop. It was not a good look, kissing her training officer on the second day on the job. The day after she'd arrested him and blown his cover. Not good at all.

Sam seemed just as surprised as her that they nearly ended up in a clinch, and he'd quickly stepped back and said he was happy to disregard. "You're not my type," he'd reminded her.

Well, he wasn't her type either.

But Luke was. Or so she'd thought. Luke Callaghan was Mr Charming, Mr Popular – a vast improvement on all the losers she'd dated in the past. He was so perfect, he'd seemed too good to be true. Hah! If only she'd known.

And as for Sam, well he may not have been her type but he quickly became her mentor and then her friend. That was all, she'd tell herself, and then there would be times when his eyes would meet hers, and he'd give her that little smile of his and it would feel like a thousand tiny butterflies were partying in her stomach. And then she'd think, "What the…?" Why was she feeling this way about Sam?

Sam was not like anyone she'd ever met before. Sam was way cool, without even trying to be. Sam was popular too but he earned his popularity without having to lay on the charm with a shovel. Sam was straight up, a damn fine cop, and as she'd eventually come to realise, a good guy all round. But he put up barriers, and it was hard to get close to him. While Luke was open, easy to reach and to read, Sam was a closed book.

Luke had been the safe choice. But all the while, even after she'd chosen Luke, Sam kept getting at her, like a splinter buried deep in her skin. Despite the frustrations of working with him – and there were many – she understood how lucky she was to have him as her TO. He nurtured her, he challenged her, he protected her, he showed her how to do her job and be the best cop she could be. It was Sam she went to for advice about work, and Sam from whom she sought wise words about life. And it was Sam she had turned to after she'd killed that guy. Sam who she wanted to comfort her, hold her, love her.

And yet she had gone back to Luke. Big mistake. Huge mistake. And she had wasted so much time because of it.

Well Luke was history, and she knew now that she wanted Sam to be her future. Seeing him again tonight had made her realise that she would walk across hot coals for him. And here was her chance. Traci could go with the comatose girl to the hospital, she could stay behind. And Candace could go make JD an offer he couldn't refuse.

As she stood outside the bar in the cold, her hands jammed in her pockets, she sighed. She knew it was a bad idea, that Sam was in the middle of an undercover operation. That guy with him, his boss Jamie, he might be the target for all she knew. Who knew what she could be walking into if she went back there.

But as she pulled her hands out of her pockets and rubbed them together to keep them warm she suddenly remembered her old high school English teacher, Mr Delany. He'd been obsessed with that Robin Williams movie, Dead Poets Society, and quoted a line from it over and over. Carpe diem. Seize the day.

She could hear Mr Delany's voice now: _Don't waste an opportunity. Do it now. Carpe diem._

Well, the time had come for her to seize the day.

As the ambulance disappeared around the corner, she took a deep breath and walked back into the Alpine Inn.

_Coming up:_

_Once they got into the car he turned to her. "Jesus McNally, what the hell were you thinking?"_

_"I'm sorry, I just couldn't… I just wanted… oh Sam, you know what I want."_

_It was dark in the parking lot and she couldn't make out his expression. She heard him sigh as he turned on the ignition and backed out of the space._


	2. Chapter 2

**Thanks to everyone for the lovely reviews - they are truly appreciated. I was going to end the story with this chapter but I can't resist continuing the story with another chapter, this time from Sam's POV. Hope to post soon!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Rookie Blue (unfortunately)**

Andy spotted them after a few moments. Sam was sat at the bar next to Jamie, a bottle held against his lips. She hesitated for a moment and then walked towards them, her legs feeling slightly shaky. She was just a couple of feet away when she saw Jamie nudge Sam, and he turned around to face her.

In the two years she'd known Sam, she'd always marvelled at how good he was at keeping his emotions to himself. He was Mr Impassive. No wonder he cleaned up at poker, no wonder he was such a good undercover cop. It was often impossible to know what he was thinking.

But in the instant he saw her the emotion that flashed across his features was obvious: it was panic. She knew instinctively that he was wondering what the hell she was doing back in the bar, alone. He had his back to Jamie so the other man could not see his reaction and he shot her a look of concern mixed with confusion.

She knew she had to say something quickly, and the words tumbled out.

"Umm... I'm gonna to be on a plane in a couple of hours, and I'm gonna be gone out of your life. So... if you're not doing anything, the next coupla hours, maybe..." She shrugged and gave a tentative smile.

His expression when she stopped speaking somehow managed to lift her spirits and break her heart all at the same time. He looked hopeful, worried, regretful. He did not lookanything like the cocky, confident Sam Swarek she knew so well.

"Uh, look, I'm with my boss," he said, almost stammering out the words. "And I wouldn't want you to miss your flight…"

His words said one thing, the look on his face said, "Why are you doing this to me?"

She could see he was not happy she was there, propositioning him. But was he unhappy because it could blow his cover, or because he wanted to take her up on her offer and felt that he couldn't? That she could not tell. She did know that she'd just made a fool of herself, and quite possibly jeopardised a major operation.

Her eyes locked on his, and she said, "OK, then I'm gone". As she walked away she had to bite her lip to hold back the tears. When she stepped out of the bar the freezing night air hit her like a slap in the face and she couldn't help thinking that she deserved it.

Idiot! Stupid, besotted, brainless idiot. She was being so unprofessional. She wouldn't blame him if he never wanted anything to do with her now. She stood there, wondering what the hell to do next and not even noticing the cold because the icy feeling running through her veins right now was even more chilling. Then she felt a hand on her shoulder and there he was.

"Let's go," he said. He gave her a pointed look which she immediately understood to mean _be quiet_, and turned and guided her towards the parking lot. "Over here," he said pointing to an unfamiliar and fairly non-descript SUV.

Once they got into the vehicle he turned to her.

"Jesus McNally, what the hell were you thinking?" His voice wasn't laced with fury, just disbelief.

"I'm sorry, I just couldn't… I just wanted… oh Sam, you know what I want." What the hell. She might as well say it.

It was dark in the parking lot and she couldn't make out his expression. She heard him sigh as he turned on the ignition and backed out of the space.

"We'll have to go back to my place just in case Jamie has me followed. I've got to let him think I'm taking you home for… for a while."

His voice was flat. OK, so he wasn't yelling at her but neither did he sound like he wanted to take her up on her offer. She turned to gaze out of the window as they pulled out of the parking lot. He was right, what the hell was she thinking? She nodded miserably and sat in silence as he navigated through the dark streets.

After a few long, uncomfortable minutes Sam pulled up outside a converted warehouse and Andy followed him up a flight of stairs into a large loft apartment. When he turned on the lights she saw a sparsely furnished and immaculately tidy room. She took in a sofa, a table, a woodburning fire and a bed – a big bed – in one corner.

"So you can just turn the camera off and they don't care?" she said, slipping off her jacket and trying to make her voice sound normal.

"I've got to have some kind of life, right?" he said, taking the jacket from her. He smiled at first, then he looked serious. "I'm going to call you a cab, it's going to take you back to the station and you're going to get in your uniform.".

She turned and walked away from him, fiddling with the buttons on her shirt. OK, so this was stupid, really, really stupid. But she had not taken the huge risk of going back in the bar just for him to send her away. She was here now, she was not leaving until she got what she wanted.

Carpe diem.

She turned and gave him a long look. "No," she said.

His eyes bored into her as she backed up to the table and sat on it, scooting backwards.

He walked towards her, slowly, her jacket still in his hands. He stopped when his thighs were either side of her knees. She realised she was holding her breath.

"If you don't leave now, there's no going back," he said, his voice low and hoarse.

"I don't want to go back," she told him, her heart thudding in her chest.

She inched forward, desperate to get as close to him as she possibly could. Every cell in her body craved his touch. _Please_, she thought. _Please Sam_.

Without taking his smouldering eyes off her face he slid one hand up her side and placed the other on her neck, reaching up with his thumb to stroke the line of her jaw. He looked at her for a long moment, his eyes searching for approval in hers. He must have seen what he wanted because he bent his head forward until his lips were nearly, but not quite, touching hers. She closed her eyes and tilted her head up towards his but still their lips did not meet.

_Oh, please_.

And then finally, finally, the agony was over and his mouth was on hers and nothing had ever felt so right in her life.

* * *

The next few minutes were a blur of tongues and lips and stifled moans, and when he stripped off his shirt she experienced the most intense feeling of desire she'd had in a very long time. As he scooped her up in his arms and placed her on the bed, pulling off her shirt, she thought, "This is Sam, I'm with Sam," and a wave of happiness washed over her.

He was kissing her like he couldn't get enough of her, only taking his mouth away from hers to move his lips over her throat. She ran her hands through his thick, soft hair then over his shoulders down the ridges of his muscly chest and stomach until she reached his belt buckle. She fumbled with it, and suddenly he stopped.

"What?" she panted, panicking. _No. He couldn't stop_. _Not now. We are not going to have a repeat of the night of the blackout._

He looked down at her, frustration stamped across his face. "I don't have any condoms. I didn't expect to…"

"It's OK," she interrupted, desperate for him to keep going. "I'm taking the Pill. And I'm clean. I had some tests after… after I was cheated on."

He smiled, noticing she did not use Luke's name. "I'm clean too. I haven't… there's been no-one for a while. For a very long while."

"Really?" She suspected as much, but it was good to know.

"Really. There's only you Andy, only you."

"Oh Sam." She reached for him, pulling his mouth down to hers. God, this was so good. This was meant to be.

And a short while later, when he slid into her, and she wrapped her legs around him, tilting her hips to pull him in as deep as she could, she felt the most incredible sense of belonging. This was how they were meant to be, her and Sam, making the ultimate connection. "Oh God, Andy," he cried out, and she knew he felt the same.

* * *

Andy thought nothing could top the electrifying feeling that had surged through her body while Sam made love to her, but as they lay entwined afterwards, she wondered if the amazing sense of relaxed and tender intimacy between them as they talked might be even better.

"Don't tell anybody this, but I was Ernie the Zamboni driver," he laughed, and kissed her again.

She gazed at him in delight. She thought she knew Sam well, but this was a side of him she'd never seen, never even dreamed of. It was as if that one single act – and OK, it was the most incredibly intimate one possible – had smashed down the impenetrable wall he put up around himself. She felt like she had finally gained access to the real Sam, and what a privilege that was. He was playful, gentle, sexy and, dare she even think it, loving. She adored the Sam she knew before but now she'd got to see this one… wow. He was everything she could have imagined and more.

She felt she could quite happily spend the rest of her life in his arms like this. But according to her calculations, if she didn't get out of bed in the next few minutes she would not get back to the barn in time to make her 6am deadline. If she missed that, questions would be asked. And she would have to lie. Nobody could ever know about this – for her sake and Sam's.

"I gotta go," she said, suddenly serious.

"We're being incredibly stupid," he told her.

"Yes we are."

She scrutinised him, desperate to imprint the image of just how he looked at this very moment in her memory forever. Who knew how long it would be before she saw him again.

"I can never come back here. Ever."

"No," he breathed, his voice a whisper. "And you have to go."

"I do," she whispered back.

And then his hand was in her hair and he was pulling her towards him and she went gladly. His mouth was so insistent and it felt so good. She wanted more, as much as he could give her. A few more minutes couldn't hurt, could they? Then he ran one hand down her body and she gasped.

She wasn't going anywhere. Not just yet.

Carpe diem.

_Coming up:_

_He'd really thought his luck was in the night of the blackout, when he'd answered a knock on his door to find her standing on his porch. When she'd launched herself at him like a heat-seeking missile he'd felt as if the heady mix of happiness and desire he was experiencing would overwhelm him. God, it was so good to finally touch her and kiss her and know that the attraction he'd felt between them was not all in his imagination._


	3. Chapter 3

**Firstly, happy Rookie Blue Day to everyone in Canada and the US (it is already May 24 here in NZ - just). I'm so jealous you're getting to see series 3 and I can't wait to read all your stories about the next episode.**

**Secondly, thanks for the lovely reviews - they really make my day.**

**And thirdly, I'm sorry this is so long but I loved writing from Sam's POV and got a bit carried away.**

**Disclaimer: All I own of Rookie Blue is the DVD of series one (finally!)**

Sam hit the off button on the remote and threw it down on the sofa next to him. TV was a load of shit – all singing contests, reality shows full of people with orange tans and unrealistic cop dramas where they solved the crime in five minutes. Yeah, right.

He got up and went over to the fridge. He stared at the meagre contents for a moment then pulled out his fourth beer of the night and twisted off the cap. He took a swig and regretted it immediately.

_Sammy, you need to stop this. You're drinking too much_.

He wasn't thirsty, he didn't even want to get drunk. He just wanted something to do that would stop him thinking about Andy.

It had been a whole week since she had been here, in his apartment, in his arms, and every minute since had been tainted by her loss. She was all he could think about. The way her bare skin felt against his, how good she smelled when he buried his face in her hair, the moans she couldn't hold back when he thrust into her… it was what he had wanted for so very long and now it had finally happened, he still couldn't quite believe it.

What he really couldn't believe was that it had happened while he was undercover, and because of that he couldn't see her again until the job was finished. And the way things were going, that could be weeks, months even before this op was over. Talk about bad, bad timing.

When he'd turned around in the Alpine Inn and seen her standing there with Nash he nearly spat out the mouthful of beer he'd just taken. He had to suppress a grin and stop himself from going to her and taking her in his arms. He'd been missing her so much, and thinking that going undercover had been such bad idea. He couldn't shake her from his thoughts and then all of a sudden there she was. For a brief moment he felt absurdly happy to see her. And then reality kicked in and he realised this was not good. She and Nash could blow everything with Brennan and if his boss made them as cops their safety could be in jeopardy.

But fortunately they kept it together and didn't give him or themselves away. Eventually the spiky knot of fear that had formed in the pit of his stomach melted away when he realised they were doing OK

Once the fear abated he took great pleasure in watching her across the pool table. But the best was yet to come. He got her all to himself while Brennan and Nash played pool and he couldn't take his eyes off her. As they sat at the table talking, pretending to be JD and Candace, the noise in the bar faded away until it became a muffled hum and everything around them melted into one large indistinguishable blur in the background. Nothing existed but the two of them, and he knew she felt it too.

For the time being, that had been enough for him, and when she and Nash had left he accepted that that was the way things had to be. He felt empty, but at least they'd had that time together. Then she came back, and her astonishing proposition had almost left him lost for words.

The beguiling look on her face, the way she'd smiled and shrugged and said, "Maybe…" Oh God, it was all he could do to stop from reaching out for her then and there and doing something that could get the pair of them arrested for lewd behaviour in a public place.

All he'd wanted to do was get her out of that dive and spend the next couple of hours showing her what she really meant to him. Two years he'd waited for this and he'd had to say no. How could she do this him?

The disappointment in her eyes as she'd said, "Then I'm gone" had just about wrenched his heart from his chest. He couldn't bear to look at Brennan after she went, in fear that the other man would see how devastated he was.

Now, remembering what had happened next, Sam couldn't help smiling. Brennan was a killer, an evil, dangerous scumbag, but when he'd encouraged JD to go after "Candace", Sam could have kissed him.

Now, as he paced the floors in his apartment, he broke into an even bigger grin when he remembered that night with Andy. He'd tried to resist her when they came back to his place, honestly he had, but she just wasn't going to take no for an answer. And thank God for that. Making love to her had been incredible, even better than he could have ever imagined. He closed his eyes to try to bring up a picture of her in his mind, and he recalled the way she'd looked at him as she sat on the table, her eyes heavy with desire. The next image he saw in his mind was her smile as they lay together in a post-coital haze and he traced random patterns on her back with his hand. He needed to hold onto those memories – they would be all he would have of her for a very long time.

He sighed and walked over to the bed, where he bent to smooth the already creaseless covers. It was hard to look at it without remembering that the happiest hours of his life had taken place here just a week ago. Every time he got into bed he replayed those magic moments over and over in his mind. That would explain why he wasn't sleeping.

If only he could just call her up and say, "Hey, come on over for a couple of hours." But no, that couldn't happen. The first time had been a big no-no. They couldn't risk it again.

He turned around and grabbed a piece of wood from the wood bin. The minute he threw it on the fire he instantly regretted it. It was like a sauna in the apartment and he was in a t-shirt already. If it got much hotter he'd have to strip down to his underwear.

He walked over to the radio and switched it on. Music might provide some distraction. He recognised the song instantly – kd lang crooning Constant Craving. Great. His current theme tune.

He turned it off and continued to pace around the apartment. He'd cleaned it every day this week to give him something to do and it was spotless. He was getting so desperate for something for something to keep him occupied that when he got home from Brennan's warehouse today he had even washed the windows. Twice.

Perhaps this week wouldn't have been so unbearable if the situation with Jamie Brennan was better. Trying to get onside with his boss was taking a lot of time. Going out drinking and playing pool at the Alpine Inn the other night had been a breakthrough, the first time they'd hung out together, and he felt they'd made some headway. Then what was looking to be a promising bonding session was interrupted when Andy came back to the bar… not that he was complaining about that of course.

But the only contact he'd had with Brennan since was the following morning, when his employer stopped to talk to him as he arrived at the warehouse.

"Things work out OK with Candace?" he asked.

He smiled back. "Sure did. Thanks boss." And he left it at that.

But then Brennan had been called away on unexpected business later that day and Sam hadn't seen him since. He'd spent the last week getting on with his job in dispatch, making small talk with the other dispatchers and the truckers. He'd managed to drop hints to a couple of the other warehouse staff that if ever they needed something to give them a buzz, or just some help getting through the day, JD was their go-to guy. It was all part of the role and he knew word of his little sideline would get back to Jamie eventually. But apart from that he felt like he'd achieved nothing of any significance all week. Unless you counted managing to get some work done while trying to shove aside memories of making love to the most amazing woman on the planet as significant.

He walked over to the window and looked down on the empty street below. Being undercover was not all it was cracked up to be. So much of it was downright tedious. Working as a dispatcher for Brennan's truck company was mind-numbingly slow and he couldn't believe people did this to earn their living. It was started to drive him crazy and this longing for McNally was only making things worse.

He was bored, he was tired, he was antsy and he was as horny as hell. And he had to stick with being undercover because it was, supposedly, the highlight of his job, what he'd always wanted to do. But the truth be known, all he wanted right now was to be back in the real world, in bed with Andy feeling her lips on his and making her squirm with delight at his touch.

He turned back to the table, picked up the beer and gulped down another mouthful. Then he looked at it in disgust, went over to the sink, and poured it out. He didn't need beer, he needed Andy. She was his drug. He'd had a taste of how good she made him feel and he wanted more. As much as he could get.

He had tried not to fall for her, he really had. But she was stunning, she was smart, she had great instincts, and she cared. True, she had a tendency to overthink things and she couldn't keep her mouth shut to save her life. But she was shaping up to be a great cop, and he was so proud of her. And, it eventually dawned on him, so in love with her.

For a while there he thought there was something between them, and then she started seeing that jerk Callaghan. Still, he'd thought his luck was in the night of the blackout, when he'd answered a knock on his door to find her standing on his stoop. When she'd launched herself at him like a heat-seeking missile he'd thought the heady mix of happiness and desire he felt would overwhelm him. God, it was so good to finally touch her and kiss her and know that the attraction he'd felt between them – despite the fact that she was with pretty boy Callaghan – was not all in his imagination.

And then the power had come on, and he'd gotten up off the bed to turn things off, and come back to find her getting dressed. The disappointment weighed him down like a suit made of lead and he wanted to say, "No, please, don't do this." But he couldn't. He couldn't show his frustration. Sam Swarek kept his feelings buried, it was just what he did.

So he shrugged and acted as if it was all OK when in reality it was not. It was far from OK. And in his attempt to act like it didn't mean anything, he'd gone and said the dumbest thing he'd ever come out with in his life.

_It was what it was_.

Five stupid words, and as soon as he'd spoken them he could see how they sliced through her. But it was too late; he couldn't take them back. And hell, it was best if he didn't. She was with Callaghan. He was her training officer. He was so much older than she was. A relationship between the two of them just wasn't going to happen.

So he carried on as if it was nothing when inside he was churning with longing for her.

He'd been on an emotional roller coaster ever since. Every time their eyes locked, even over the most trivial of things, or she gave him that special smile of hers, his heart soared. And every time he saw her with Callaghan it plunged. The whole situation was seriously starting to make him feel nauseous. Finally, he understood the expression "lovesick".

The thing was, being with her just felt so right. They worked so well together, even doing the boring stuff like traffic stops. And then there were times like the undercover operation when he'd pretended to be Gabe the out of town drug dealer and she was his dancer girlfriend Edie, and they got to act like they were a couple. It had felt so natural to put his arm around her and pull her close to him. It was where she belonged. And kissing her to cover up a whispered conversation seemed like the most normal thing in the world. How could it feel so right, but just all be make believe?

Whatever it was, after a while he started to think it would be just a matter of time before something happened. The emotion binding them together was a real as a rope. They couldn't ignore it forever.

And when he really started to believe it was going to happen, she went and got engaged to Callaghan. The day it was announced at parade it was as if someone had stuck a knife in his gut and twisted it. His first instinct was to stalk out of the room and go and hit something (preferably Callaghan, which would have made him feel better but not won him any Brownie points with McNally or Frank). But he quickly pushed that aside and went to McNally, and he congratulated her like it really was the best news he had heard all day and then he got the hell out of the room, away from her, away from anyone who could see his face and know that he'd just been ripped into a thousand tiny pieces.

By the same token, when he'd heard that McNally and Callaghan had split up the feeling of euphoria that surged through his veins made him feel like he'd just taken the best drugs in the world. Thank God for that. Thank God Callaghan had proved himself to be the asshole Sam knew he truly was. Suddenly it was easier to get up in the mornings and he found himself smiling at strangers and being nice to people who annoyed him, even Peck. Over the next few weeks he'd lived in hope. Maybe McNally would come to him, like she had the night of the blackout. He knew he needed to give her time to get over Callaghan – they had gotten just weeks away from getting married, after all – and to make the first move when she was ready. He could do that. He was a patient guy. He had waited two years; he could wait a little longer.

But although Sam felt they were inching closer still nothing happened and he began to wonder if maybe he had misread the situation and she didn't want him the way he wanted her. So he played it cool, and he waited, and then Donovan Boyd came to him with an offer he couldn't refuse.

He nearly said no. His first thought was about Andy, and how it would affect them if he went away. But there was no them, not yet, and he'd been hanging out to go back to Guns and Gangs. This was the bit he loved most about the job, the part that gave him the biggest kick. He couldn't turn it down. Yet it had been hard to be enthused about it when he had to go at short notice and couldn't even say goodbye to her. He'd nearly kissed her that very night, after the kidnapped kid was found and she pulled the woman out of the burning car. But she had walked away, and so when Boyd approached him and said it was all happening now, right this minute, before he knew it was gone. No note, no call, just gone.

He was pacing again now, and he found himself back by the sofa. His phone was sitting on the coffee table and he picked it up and looked at the time. 9.27pm. He wondered where McNally was right now. He'd been trying to keep track of what shift she was likely to be on, and figured that she'd done a day shift. She might be at home winding down for the night. He imagined her curled up on the sofa, flicking through the TV channels. Or maybe she was taking a shower before bed. In his mind's eye he could see her turning on the water, shaking her hair out its ponytail, pulling her t-shirt off over her head and sliding her jeans over her hips…

_OK, stop it Sam_.

Nah, chances were she was at the Penny with the others, knocking back beers and going over the day's events. What he wouldn't give to be there. If only he could walk in, scoop her up in his arms and carry her out, like in that scene from An Officer and A Gentleman. That would get them talking at the barn.

But no, he wasn't allowed anywhere near 15. They only way they could get together was ifMcNally came to him. He weighed the phone in his hand and imagined dialling her number. How easy would it be to just call her up and say, "Hey, it's me – wanna come over?" But he couldn't. He was working undercover. It was a big case. A lot of time and money and effort had gone into this op. He couldn't blow it simply because he was pining for the woman he adored.

He put the phone back on the coffee table and walked over to the stairs. He was going to scuff the polish off the wooden floors if he kept up this pacing. He turned around and looked the nearby chest of drawers. His taped version of the classic novel Moby Dick sat on top and he gave a wry smile when he saw it. The tapes were his good luck talisman, and went with him on every undercover job he did.

They had been a gift from his former training officer, the first time he went on an undercover job. He smiled as he remembered Jim Bielski. Professor Jim, everyone called him, on account of the fact that he was so damn intelligent. Turns out the rest of his family were all academics of some sort or another but for some reason Jim, who was just as clever, had chosen the police force.

Jim may not have been an accredited professor, but he was the best teacher Sam had ever had. Not just when it came to police work, but all sorts of things about life in general. He knew something about everything and he liked to share what he knew with his rookie. Sam would have never have believed it but he soon found himself looking forward to the discussions they would have in the squad car about the political situation in the Middle East, or the downturn in the economy, because Jim made it all sound so interesting.

Jim even got him interested in literature, which would have killed his high school English teacher. What was it that smartass Mr Crockett had written on his report? "The fact that Sam is disinclined to attend class or actually pick up a book has had a rather negative impact on his grades."

Yeah well, Mr Crockett made reading literature sound about as exciting as watching your mother pluck her eyebrows. Professor Jim described the plots of various books in such a way that made Sam actually want to know what happened in the end. He didn't always have time to read, so Jim had suggested he started by getting recorded versions to play in his car. And when he was heading off on his undercover op Jim had handed him Moby Dick, for "the downtimes," he said.

There were plenty of those and he'd really got into the story, although it did send him off to sleep more often than not. But it had also saved his life.

On that first assignment, he had gotten enough evidence to have two gang members arrested for murder after convincing another gang guy to turn against them. With the case pretty much wrapped up, he'd gone back to pack up his undercover apartment and was carrying his stuff to the car where the turncoat was waiting so Sam could take him to the barn to get a full statement. Then he realised he'd left Moby Dick behind so he'd gone back to pick it up, and just as he walked inside he heard gunfire. He ran back outside to see a truck screeching off into the distance and his car peppered with bullet holes. His informant was slumped back in his seat, dead. If it hadn't been for Moby Dick, he'd have been in the car too. He'd have been pumped full of bullets by other gang members out for revenge.

Sam had never thought of himself as a superstitious guy but the near-miss spooked him, and after that Moby Dick was the only personal item he ever took with him when he went undercover. He looked at it now, hoping it would prove good luck in the Brennan case. He said a silent thank you to Jim Bielski, and hoped he was enjoying his retirement. He thought back to some of the things Jim had taught him over the years and one saying Jim was particularly fond of suddenly came to mind.

Carpe diem, Prof Jim used to say. Seize the day.

Sam gazed at the audio book package for a very long moment.

Carpe diem. He could do it, he could seize the day. He could ring Andy and ask her to come over. Nobody needed to know. They could have a few hours together, then she could go back to her life, and JD could get on with his. The cameras and the wire were turned off; Boyd wouldn't have to find out he'd had a visitor.

Sam walked back to the coffee table and looked at his phone.

_Carpe diem._

They'd got away with it the other night; they could do it again.

_Seize the day_.

Nobody needed to know. It could be their little secret.

He leaned over, and he picked up the phone.

Coming up:

He wasn't quite sure how they made it up the stairs with their bodies locked together, but before he knew it they were in the room and Andy was somehow shrugging off her coat while keeping her mouth on his. She pulled back to mutter, "So hot," and he grinned.

"Thanks, you're pretty hot yourself."

She laughed and shoved him against the wall.

"No Mr Modest, I meant the temperature. It's hot in here."

"Only one thing for that," he said, bending down to nuzzle her neck. "Take your clothes off."


	4. Chapter 4

**Thanks again to everyone who has reviewed or added this to their story alerts or favourites. It makes sitting here writing this at 2am, knowing I have to get up at 6am, all worthwhile!**

**Disclaimer: Rookie Blue is not mine, worse luck**

Sam stood by the window, scanning the empty street below. Where the hell was Andy? It was 35 minutes since he'd called her; how long did it take to get a cab over from the Penny? It was only about 20 minutes away, what was the hold-up?

He smiled at the recollection of their conversation. She'd answered the phone on the fifth ring; he was expecting it to go to voice mail and knew he wouldn't leave a message if it did. She sounded slightly breathless and there was a lot of noise in the background – she had to be in the Penny. Her hello sounded slightly tentative; his caller ID was blocked.

_"Hey, it's me," he'd said._

_"I'm sorry, I can't hear you."_

_He raised his voice. "Hi, Candace. This is JD."_

_"What?" Then, "Oh! JD? Really?"_

_He could hear the smile in her voice. "Really. What are you doing?"_

_"Oh, you know, hanging out in a bar. As I seem to do a lot."_

_"Not playing pool with your stripper buddy Doreen?"_

_"Uh, no. Not."_

_"Good." He paused. "Umm, well if you're not busy, do you wanna come over?"_

_"Really?" She was grinning, he could tell._

_"Really."_

_"I'm leaving now."_

So where was she? He'd done it, he'd seized the day, and now he was impatient to seize her the minute she walked in the door.

He turned around and looked at the room. It was immaculate; nothing left to tidy up. He wished he had some candles or some flowers, something to make it look a bit more romantic.

He had a sudden brainwave and quickly went around the apartment switching off all the lights except the lamps on the nightstands. That was an improvement, especially as the glow from the fire gave the room a better… what was the word, ambience?

He checked for about the 10th time that the camera and the wire were turned off, then returned to the window to survey the street again. So where was… ahh. There was a figure crossing the road towards his building, head down, hands jammed in coat pockets. Clever girl, she'd got the cab to drop her off down the block and walked from there.

He crossed the room in what felt like two heartbeats and made it down the stairs just as she knocked. When he opened the door she was standing there smiling, and his heart flipped over.

"Hey," he said.

"Hey," she replied, pulling off her hat.

In one fluid movement he reached out and grabbed her by the wrist, pulling her inside and shutting the door behind her. He pushed her against the block wall, cupped her face in his hands and his lips found hers.

When they'd got together a week ago their first kiss had been tentative and cautious. Now there was no holding back. She kissed him hungrily and ground her hips against his. Then she slid her arms down his back and grabbed his butt, pulling him even closer. He wasn't quite sure how they made it up the stairs with their bodies locked together, but before he knew it they were in the apartment and Andy was somehow shrugging off her coat while keeping her mouth on his. She pulled back to mutter, "so hot," and he grinned.

"Thanks, you're pretty hot yourself."

She laughed. "No Mr Modest, I meant it's hot in here."

"Only one thing for that," he said, bending down to nuzzle her neck. "Get your clothes off."

"I'm trying," Andy said, and suddenly she leaned forward. He realised she was unzipping her boots, and he watched, trying to catch his breath, as she nimbly slid them off and dropped them in a heap at the top of the stairs. Then he took her head between his hands and raised her face back up to him. "I've missed you so much," he mumbled, and kissed her as if his life depended upon it.

Her hands were on his t-shirt, tugging it upwards, so he helped out by whipping it off over his head. They pulled on each other's clothing as they made their way across the floor, past the fire towards the bed, snatching kisses as they went. He stripped off her cardigan and flung it to one side, then reached for the top button on her jeans. She was already fumbling with the buttons on his jeans, her fingers brushing against his erection. He groaned and yanked his jeans down himself, desperate to get them off as quickly as possible. She unzipped hers and began sliding them over her thighs. He lifted his gaze away from the lower half of her stunning body and his eyes locked with hers. She was staring at him as if seeing him for the first time, her deep brown eyes full of undisguised lust. He watched, mesmerised, as she stepped out of her jeans and then deftly pulled off her tank top, so that she was stood before him in just her bra and panties.

"You are so beautiful," he said, his voice hoarse. She smiled and walked towards him and then suddenly she stumbled. He realised she'd tripped over her jeans and he put his hands out to grab her, but she was falling forward into him now, and he couldn't stop the momentum. He went flying too, onto his back, and Andy landed on top of him.

"Oww," he winced. "What, are you trying to make a habit of bringing me crashing down?"

"Oh Sam, I'm so sorry," she said, looking down at him, worried. "Are you alright? Can I do anything?"

"Yeah, help take my mind off the pain in my back."

"Does this help?" She leaned forward and kissed him.

"Mmmm. Kinda. Need more distraction."

"What about this?"

She trailed her lips down his neck and across his chest, her feather-light kisses making the hairs all over his body stand on end.

"That's good," he murmured, his hand burrowing into her hair.

"And this?" As she kissed one nipple, she slid her hand down across the taut muscles of his stomach until she reached the elastic of his boxers. She hesitated for a moment then pushed her hand under the fabric.

"Oh, Andy," he groaned.

In the frenzy that followed he had no idea how they managed to shed their underwear but suddenly they were naked and she was straddling him, right then and there on the rug on the floor, and he was ignoring the fact that the rug was scratchy and the floorboards were hard because as she moved on top of him all he could think was they were right where they were meant to be, and God, it felt so good.

Afterwards, they lay next to one another on the rug, still panting slightly.

"How's the back pain?" she asked, turning her head towards him.

"What back pain?" He flashed his dimples at her.

She punched him playfully on the arm. "I can't believe we didn't even make it to the bed," she laughed.

"I can. I'm surprised we made it up the stairs."

She wriggled slightly. "I don't know about this rug, it's very scratchy."

"True." He reached for his boxers and pulled them on, then stood up and dragged the duvet off the bed. He spread it on the floor, and watched appreciatively as she scooted over, still naked, to lie on it. She looked up at him as his eyes followed her and grinned, "Thanks, pervert." She reached up to grab the sheet off the bed, and draped it over herself.

"Just admiring the scenery," he smiled. He continued to watch as she raised one long leg after another and rested them on the edge of the bed.

"What are you doing?"

"It's comfortable," she said.

"Lying on the floor is not comfortable."

"It's like camping, only inside."

"Well you know how I feel about camping." He walked over to the sink and turned the faucet on. "So I take it you were at the Penny?"

"Yep. Karaoke night. Hey, you should have heard Peck sing. She's got a great voice."

"Really?" He bent his head under the stream of water and gulped down a large mouthful. "Who'd have thought?"

"She and Traci did a duet, Let's Get It On. They were so good."

"Almost makes me wish I was there." He swallowed another mouthful.

"Yeah? What would you sing?"

He turned the faucet off and wiped his face with his hand. "Stuck In The Middle With You."

"Stuck In The Middle… see, that's nice."

"No, no, Love The One You're With." He knelt down on the duvet and leaned over her.

"How about All By Myself?"

"But I'm not." He lowered his face until it was just above hers.

"You will be," she giggled as his lips touched hers.

"Thanks." He rolled over and lay down, his head alongside hers.

"No, I'm kidding, I wouldn't sing."

"Of course you wouldn't, you're too cool."

"Hey, I do a lot of things. I cook, I clean, I'm good with tools, I'm an excellent driver…"

Andy sighed. "You ever wish we were normal?"

"What do you mean? We are normal." Weren't they?

"You know what I mean."

Oh. OK. He cleared his throat. "Andy, if I could ask you to stay I would."

She turned to look at him. "Then ask me to stay."

He turned to face her.

"Just one night." Her voice was soft. "You know, I'll go home in the morning. Besides, it's freezing outside."

"Well, it's cold."

"It's practically inhuman to make me go out there." She was teasing now.

He sighed. He'd like nothing more than having her here with him all night. The thought of waking up with her in his bed was so appealing. But it was a huge risk, letting her stay. The fact she was here at all was unbelievably stupid and possibly dangerous. But if she left first thing in the morning…

He rolled over onto his hands and knees and leaned right over her until their noses were almost touching, albeit upside down.

He could be making an even bigger mistake, but what the hell. It was going to be so hard to let her go.

"Stay," he whispered.

"OK." She was smiling when his mouth found hers. They kissed, upside down, for a very long moment, and then he lay down again.

"What shift are you on tomorrow?"

"I've got the day off – I'm going to the bank to sort out my mortgage. What about you, you working?"

"Nah. Day off."

"I wish I could stay here all day."

"Me too. But Andy…"

"I know Sam, I know."

They lay in silence for a moment, their faces turned to each other.

Then he sat up. "Andy?"

"Uh huh?"

"This floor is killing me. Let's go to bed."

She smiled. "I thought you'd never ask."

* * *

This time their lovemaking was exquisitely slow and gentle. He spent a long time exploring her whole body, licking, stroking and fondling her until she grasped him, and whispered, "Please, Sam, please," her voice croaky with desire.

Afterwards he felt tiredness settle on him but he wanted to stay awake; didn't want to waste a single moment of the precious time they had together. He reached for her hand under the covers and threaded his fingers through hers. Then he brought their entwined hands up to his mouth and kissed each of her fingers in turn. Her eyes met his and he could see the wonder in them. It surprised him too, the incredible tenderness she brought out in him. He had never been like this with anyone before.

"Andy?"

"Mmm?"

"Can I just ask... when did you know? How you felt about me?" He'd been wanting an answer to this for a very long time.

She rolled over on to her side, facing him. Their hands were still clasped together; his thumb stroking hers.

"A long time ago," she said, her voice serious. "I suppose… I guess I was kinda attracted to you straight away, that day in the alley, even with your gelled hair and bad clothes. But then it was hard to like you much when you were shouting at me for blowing your cover."

"Sorry 'bout that."

"You're forgiven. And then… well, it just kind of built up over time and I tried to ignore it because you were my training officer, and I was with Luke, but it got to the stage where I just couldn't ignore it any longer."

"The night of the blackout, right?"

"Yep. It was when you came in the locker room and sat with me. You were so concerned about me, so thoughtful… everything Luke wasn't… and the way you looked at me. Right inside me, it felt. When you left it felt like you took a big chunk of my heart with you."

He leaned over and kissed her forehead. "You already had all of mine."

She raised her free hand and ran it across his jaw, feeling his rough stubble under her fingertips. "When did it happen for you?"

"Oh, right from the start. Pretty much from the moment you tackled me and tried to kiss me."

"How many times do I have to tell you, I did not try…"

"Ha, that never fails to get you!" He kissed her nose this time, then her forehead again.

"So you knew straight away?"

"Uh huh. And I tried to ignore it too. But even as early on as that night in the parking lot, when you were worried about what might happen to Emily, I just felt… it felt right with you. I would have kissed you then and there. Hell, I would have taken you home for the night. I wasn't expecting it but you have that effect on me, Andy."

She smiled at that, then looked serious. "But you never said anything. All those months when we were riding around in the squad car together and you kept quiet." Her voice was tinged with what sounded like regret.

"Actually I did tell you how I felt once. And in front of someone else. Didn't get me anywhere though."

"Really? I don't remember. When?"

"The day you got shot. At the concert. I just came right out with it but you ignored me."

"No I didn't. Did I?"

"Yes. Remember?"

_He and Oliver had just driven over from the barn to help out at the free concert that was expected to get out of hand. He'd spotted her in the crowd – he had a knack for doing that – and turned on the siren briefly to get her attention. Then he'd mouthed off at a couple of punks who brushed up against the squad car and she had pulled him up for it._

"_What, are you practising your bad cop routine for Guns and Gangs?" she'd asked._

"_I haven't decided yet."_

"_What's holding you back?"_

_The last thing he'd intended was to tell her was the truth, but he'd been thinking about nothing else lately and somehow the words just spilled out._

"_You. Love working with you, McNally. Can't imagine my life without you in it."_

_Damn. Had he really just told her that?_

"_Hey, you get to wear all that hair gel again." She grinned at him. She thought he was being sarcastic._

_She turned around to answer her radio and walked off. He called out, "See you later," but she didn't hear. She was gone._

_It wasn't until he went to drive off that he realised Oliver had been listening to the whole exchange._

"_Whoa, Sam. What was that about?"_

_He hesitated for a moment. Maybe it was time to tell Oliver the truth, that he really was contemplating turning down a spot in Guns and Gangs because he couldn't bear to be away from McNally. He suspected Oliver had guessed his feelings for his former rookie anyway; the guy had been dropping some serious hints about him needing to talk to her._

_But even Oliver would struggle to understand that Sam Swarek – the very Sam Swarek who thrived on undercover work and was itching to get back to it after his last op had ended so badly – no longer wanted to do it because he was hung up on the woman who'd blown his cover last time._

_Oliver was a good friend but still, Sam didn't share his feelings that easily with anyone, especially not when it came to how he felt about McNally._

"_I was joking Oliver. McNally got it."_

_Yeah, she obviously thought he was just one big joke. Hilarious._

"I do remember that. I thought you were being a smartass."

"Nope. Plenty of other times I was being a smartass, but that wasn't one of them."

"So the, 'it was what it was' line… was that a smartass moment?"

"No, that was a dumbass one." He attempted a slight smile, and was pleased to see her mouth turn up in response. "That has to rank right up there as one of the most stupid things I have ever said in my entire life. I'm so sorry Andy."

She reached out to trace the line of his jaw again. "So when you said it was what it was…"

"What it was was amazing. Incredible. It's not every day you open your front door and the woman of your dreams throws herself at you."

He bent his head forward and this time kissed her on the lips, soft and slow. He would never tire of kissing her.

"I'm the woman of your dreams?" Her eyes widened.

"Uh huh." He met her gaze with his and didn't flinch.

OK, this conversation could now go either one of two ways. She could ask him to elaborate more about how she was the woman of his dreams and it could get all serious. Or she could make a joke of it and keep things light-hearted. He waited for her response.

"What kind of dreams?" she said after a moment. "Dirty ones?"

So she wasn't quite ready for the heavy stuff. That was OK. There would be plenty of time for that later.

"Well, what do you think?" he smiled, gently thrusting his hips against her to make his point. But he didn't want her to think it was only about sex, so he reached out for her and pulled her into his arms for a cuddle, dropping a light kiss on the top of her head as she snuggled into him, her head on his chest. As they lay together, their breathing synchronised, Sam wondered if he should tell her just how much it had meant to him that she had chosen to come to him the night of the blackout. On the day she had taken a life it was him that she had turned to for comfort. Not Luke, not Traci, not her dad. _Him_.

As disappointed as he had been that their moment of passion had come to an abrupt halt, at least it left him with the knowledge that she had wanted him, even if it was only for a few minutes. In the subsequent weeks and months, when she was wearing Luke's ring on her finger, remembering that night provided some bittersweet consolation.

When he had to sit there and listen to her going on about Luke this, and Luke that, he would shut his eyes for the briefest of moments and recall the look on her face as she stood there on his porch that night. The memory of the desire etched into her beautiful features as she pushed him into the wall had given him hope ever since, despite the fact it looked for all the world like nothing would ever happen between them.

You only look at someone like that if you truly want them, he knew that. She had wanted him once; maybe it could happen again. In the meantime, he would never give up hope. The thought that she might one day come to her senses, ditch Luke and turn up on his doorstep again kept him going, got him out of bed in the mornings.

"Andy?"

"Mmmm?" she murmured into his chest. She sounded sleepy.

"I'm glad you came to me that night."

She raised her head and looked at him through heavy eyes. "I had to. I needed you more than I've ever needed anything. I just had to… seize the day, y'know?"

He smiled at that. "I know. Carpe diem."

"Yes. Exactly."

She bent forward to kiss him again, and then rested her head back on his chest. He stroked her thick silky hair and listened to her breathing becoming slower. She was very close to drifting off, he could feel it. He could also feel her bare skin against his, from her arm slung across his chest and her stomach pressed against his hip, to her legs entwined with his. He couldn't help himself; he ran his free hand down her body, finding the place he knew would bring her fully awake at his touch.

"Sam, what are you doing?" her words thick with drowsiness.

"I'm seizing the day."

She giggled softly. "I've never heard it called that before."

"We haven't got much time together," he said, his tone suddenly serious. "I'm not wasting any of it."

"Good idea. Carpe di- oh. Oh. Oh, Sam."

Her astonished eyes fixed on his and he knew that as stupid and as dangerous it was, he'd done the right thing in getting her here, into his arms. He didn't care about any possible consequences, any trouble they might get into. All that mattered was here and now, and being together. At last.

_Carpe diem._

**I'm not sure if this is the end or not - I have thought about writing about their morning together and what happens in the 20 minutes after Jamie Brennan leaves (more "seizing the day", I suspect) but I've got some ideas for other stuff I'd like to explore and I think maybe I've done my dash here. Let me know what you think!**


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